How Soon is Now
by Summoner Luna
Summary: He was always one step out of reality...[Laguna, right after the fall of Adel]


_Though it goes without saying, FFVIII, including all of its characters and locations, does not belong to me _

* * *

Through blurred vision, Esthar looked like the ocean from a high enough altitude. He stared out of the window, tilting his head from one direction to the other, letting his focus drift until there was nothing on the horizon but sparkling blue against emotionless sand. 

President. The word was foreign to him…a title, given to the men in his life that had tried to control his destiny…men in his life he'd never even met…well, except for one. But that man…he was a false Knight to an evil Sorceress, not the leader of a country.

Laguna sighed, leaning back into his chair and closing his eyes. He had never been a man of politics, never wished for power. His dream for most of his life had simply been to write. He'd only joined that Galbadian Army because he'd been required to—all Galbadian males had to join, due to the war with Esthar. He knew he was never a good soldier; his heart was never in it. Not to say his time hadn't been worthwhile—had he never joined, he never would have met Kiros and Ward, never would have met Julia…never would have met Raine.

He wondered what she would say, when he told her about Esthar's request. How could he truly explain how it happened? _Well…after I got Elle back, I agreed to help them out in return for helping me rescue her, and then to thank me for getting rid of the Sorceress they asked me to be President?_ Maybe if he'd been focused he would have realized that was the direction they were headed in, but once Adel was out of the way, all he'd been able to think about was getting back home to Winhill.

He was always daydreaming, always one step out of whatever reality he was supposed to be in. And it seemed like every time, he wandered into some life-changing event. It was what led him to spend that first night in the Galbadian hotel after he'd missed his transport out of Deling City; what got him, Kiros, and Ward into the mess that ended up with him washed up on the shores of Winhill…if he hadn't been so careless he never would have ended up in the prison where he found out where Ellone was.

Maybe this is another one of those things, even though right now it seems like such a bad idea…

He took another look out the window…now it really was the ocean rushing past beneath them. Every pulse of the helicopter was one step closer to Winhill…to Ellone…and to Raine. Staying in touch with her had been hard. He had sent countless letters out, though he suspected only about half of them were actually delivered. He hoped his articles in Timber Maniacs were enough to let her know he was safe. He'd started writing for them for Kiros—he wouldn't agree to help otherwise, and if Laguna Loire had learned anything in his life, it was how much he needed his friends—but they became just one more way of reaching the woman he left behind.

He received three letters from her total. The first, came in Deling City. She'd sent one to the hotel shortly after he left. It had gripped his heart to read, knowing that what she claimed as 'instinct' that he would go there, was really her asking if he was going to find Julia. Julia was never someone he discussed—not with anyone—but Raine had figured enough out. His real reason for going had been to try and find Ward, and while his feelings would never truly fade…he hadn't wanted to run into his former love. She was a part of his life he would always remember fondly, but their romance had been a fairy tale…seeing each other would only bring reality to a dream.

The next letter came in Dollet. He'd mentioned several times in Timber Maniacs wanting to visit the small town, and she had taken the hint. It was a short letter, one that felt to him like she had a lot of things to say but didn't know how to start. He knew that feeling well.

The final letter came to Esthar, shortly after he sent Ellone back home. It was long, updating him on almost everything that had happened in the eight months he'd been gone. It was part of what had kept him so distracted in the aftermath of Adel's sealing. He'd been right about her letter to Dollet…she did have things she wanted to say. Part of him was upset she had waited so long…upset that he was exploring the world, while she was at home alone in such a time. But he understood her reasoning, and found himself more than grateful once the initial shock had worn off. If he had known, he would have been forced to chose between Ellone…and being with Raine. She knew he would have returned to Winhill, and knew it probably would have meant never finding Ellone…a fact that would have eventually destroyed him.

Now though…the letter rested in his pocket, spreading a warmth to him that seemed to grow stronger the further east they traveled. He would be a father soon, if he wasn't already. Raine and Ellone were at home waiting for him…She would be so surprised by Esthar. He had never taken the time to properly appreciate this city. When he'd first arrived he had only one goal, then he was in jail, and then he was leading a revolution…it had just been a stage, the set on which the drama was played. But he could just picture her reaction when she got there. She would hate the idea at first, but even before he left to find Elle, she had always told him if he wanted to leave Winhill she would be happy anywhere. Before, it hadn't been an issue. He loved the small town, the peace and quiet nestled between the mountains and forgotten by time. His concern had only ever been that the citizens there never warmed up to him, and in turn, had begun to turn their backs on her. What if their child was not accepted? He couldn't say being President of a country as huge as Esthar thrilled him, but if it was what the people wanted…it would be Raine's decision. His life was with her…soon to be with their family. Nothing would prepare her for Esthar—for the lights, the sounds, the airway…and they could visit Winhill whenever they wanted. She would finally get to see the places he'd written of in the magazine…the articles he'd written for her.

The feeling didn't hit him until the Galbadian continent crept up from behind it's hiding place on the horizon. He woke to a dream—a nightmare—one he'd had once before. In the dream, he returned to Winhill to find both Raine's tavern and the old house gone. Not destroyed, but simply gone, as though they had never existed. He went to every store, to every house asking about her, but every person he encounted said they had never heard of a Raine or an Ellone. The first time he had the dream was a couple of weeks after he'd said goodbye to Ellone, and he blamed it simply on being without contact with them for so long. This time, he wanted to blame it on homecoming anxiety—he had been gone for so long, and he hadn't heard from them since Raine's letter. The what-ifs were finally catching up. But the feeling wouldn't go away, it only got stronger and stronger as they neared the continent.

He felt a hand on his shoulder, a silent effort to sooth his apprehension, just like the countless times before while on the mission to rescue Ellone. But unlike those times, the pit in his stomach only seemed to grow heavier, pushing his heart into his throat and tightening over his lungs.

The helicopter began to land, and he reached to the hand on his shoulder.

"I…need to do this alone."

The eyes that stared back at him showed concern, but more than anything, the understanding that sometimes, even in the face of potentially heartbreaking news, discoveries needed to be made alone.

Somehow, as soon as he set food out of the chopper, he knew. Maybe it was because Ellone wasn't already running from the buildings, arms open and smile wide. Maybe it was the darkened windows staring at him from across the field. Maybe it was his intuition recognizing that the sudden breath of cold wind that approached him, and walked step after anxious step beside him was not a wind at all. Maybe it was all of these things—but no dream, no amount of foresight in the world, could have prepared his heart for the CLOSED sign that greeted him on the tavern door, or the aging voice that crawled towards him from across the square, saying "Oh, Mr. Loire…we have such dreadful news."

* * *

He didn't speak until they were halfway back to Esthar.

"I'm going to accept the position."

"…."

"Ward…we both, know you're the best man for the job."

His eyes met those of his friends. He was always the optimist. Always the one full of life, never one to dwell on the unchangeable past. He had to look at his hands before the mirrors of their eyes became too much.

"She was giving birth." His friends were silent, and he was grateful. "She had a son. We, had, a son. They said…they said she was sick. For the past couple of months now…she was sick. She couldn't get the baby what he needed…the baby didn't cry, when he was born. The grief was too much for her illness."

"…Elle?"

"The doctor…there was a doctor from Timber there, visiting family. The doctor…he and his wife couldn't have kids. And…they didn't know when I was coming back. The doctor tried so hard to save her…Elle would have been all alone."

A few more seconds of silence, before "…."

"What do you want to do?"

"I…can't. I saved her. Odine won't search for her in Timber. It's not safe for her in Esthar…it's not safe for her without a mother. She can be happy now. She was never mine to claim…her parents were from Winhill. If this is what the town decided…it's not my place to interfere. They were right all along about outsiders…"

At that, he turned to face the window again, as the ocean turned into the desert, and then into the sparkling city he was to govern, the city he would protect. Protect from Galbadia, protect from the Sorceress, and protect from any hapless wanderers who could turn a life upside down.

* * *

_This area of Laguna's past is something that has always kind of bugged me in FFVIII verse...we see him as such a nice person, going to such incredible lengths to rescue Ellone...but then, at the end of it all, he not only loses her again, but also loses Raine and his newborn son, and completely hides his country from the outside world? It just never quite set well with me, so here's my justification :) _

_ I may drag this out a bit...not this particular part of the story, but I have a couple more Laguna one-shots in my mind that I feel would fit better just tacked onto this than as separate titles... :)_


End file.
